We are constantly interacting with people. We interact with our family and friends. We interact with our teachers and peers at school. We interact with customer service representatives, office coworkers, physicians/therapists, and so many other different people in an average day. Humans are inherently social beings, so talking and listening to one another is a significant part of what we do on a day-to-day basis.

The Importance of Everyday Conversations

Most of us spend a significant portion of our day interacting with others through conversations. According to Judy Apps, the word “conversation” is comprised of the words con (with) and versare (turn): “conversation is turn and turnabout – you alternate.”^[1] As such, a conversation isn’t a monologue or singular speech act; it’s a dyadic process where two people engage with one another in interaction that has multiple turns. Philosophers have been writing about the notion of the term “conversation” and its importance in society since the written word began.^[2] For our purposes, we will leave the philosophizing to the philosophers and start with the underlying assumption that conversation is an important part of the interpersonal experience. Through conversations with others, we can build, maintain, and terminate relationships.

Crafting an academic definition for the term “conversation” is not a straightforward task. Instead, Donald Allen and Rebecca Guy offer the following explanation: “Conversation is the primary basis of direct social relations between persons. As a process occurring in real-time, conversation constitutes a reciprocal and rhythmic interchange of verbal emissions. It is a sharing process which develops a common social experience.”^[3] From this explanation, a conversation is how people engage in social interaction in their day-to-day lives. From this perspective, a conversation is purely a verbal process. For our purposes, we prefer Susan Brennan’s definition: “Conversation is a joint activity in which two or more participants use linguistic forms and nonverbal signals to communicate interactively.”^[4] Brennan distinguishes between conversations, which can involve two or more people, and dialogues, which involve only two people. For our purposes, this distinction isn’t critical. What is essential is that conversations are one of the most common forms of interpersonal communication.

There is growing concern that in today’s highly mediated world, the simple conversation is becoming a thing of the past. Sherry Turkle is one of the foremost researchers on how humans communicate using technology. She tells the story of an 18-year-old boy who uses texting for most of his fundamental interactions. The boy wistfully told Turkle, “Someday, someday, but certainly not now, I’d like to learn how to have a conversation.”^[5] When she asks millennials across the nation what’s wrong with holding a simple conversation:

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with having a conversation. It takes place in real-time and you can’t control what you’re going to say.” So that’s the bottom line. Texting, email, posting, all of these things let us present the self as we want to be. We get to edit, and that means we get to delete, and that means we get to retouch, the face, the voice, the flesh, the body–not too little, not too much, just right.^[6]

Is this the world we now live in? Have people become so addicted to their technology that holding a simple conversation is becoming passé?

You should not take communication for granted. Upon reading this book, you will notice how crucial communication can be in both our personal and professional lives. Communication is a vital component of our lives. A few years ago, a prison reduced the amount of communication inmates could have with each other. The prison administrators decided they did not want inmates to share information. Yet, over time, the prisoners developed a way to communicate with each other using codes on walls and tapping out messages through pipes. Even when inmates could not talk to each other face-to-face, they still found other ways to communicate.^[7]

Types of Conversations

David Angle argues that conversations can be categorized based on directionality (one-way or two-way) and tone/purpose (cooperative or competitive).^[8] One-way conversations are conversations where an individual is talking at the other person and not with the other person. Although these exchanges are technically conversations due to the inclusion of nonverbal feedback, one of the conversational partners monopolizes the bulk of the conversation, while the other partner is more of a passive receiver. Two-way conversations are interactions where both parties are actively engaged and involved. In two-way conversations, people are actively talking, providing nonverbal feedback, and listening.

Besides one-way versus two-way interactions, Angle also believes that conversations can be categorized by whether they are cooperative or competitive. Cooperative conversations are marked by a mutual interest in what all parties within the conversation have to contribute. Conversely, individuals in competitive conversations are more concerned with their perspectives than with those of others within the conversation. Angle further breaks down his typology of conversations into four distinct types of conversation (Figure 7.1).

Discourse

The first type of conversation is one-way cooperative, which Angle labeled discourse. The purpose of a discourse conversation is for the sender to transmit information to the receiver. For example, a professor delivering a lecture or a speaker giving a speech.

Dialogue

The second type is what most people consider a traditional conversation: a dialogue (two-way, cooperative). According to Angle, “The goal is for participants to exchange information and build relationships with one another.”^[9] When you go on a first date, the general purpose of most of our conversations in this context is dialogue. If conversations take on one of the other three types, you could find yourself not getting a second date.

Debate

The third type of conversation is the two-way, competitive conversation, which Angle labels “debate.” The debate conversation is less about information giving and more about persuading. From this perspective, debate conversations occur when the ultimate goal of the conversation is to win an argument or persuade someone to change their thoughts, values, beliefs, and behavior. Imagine you’re sitting in a study group and you’re trying to advocate for a specific approach to your group’s project. Here, your goal is to persuade the others within the conversation to your point of view.

Diatribe

Last, Angle discusses the diatribe (one-way, competitive). The goal of the diatribe conversation is “to express emotions, browbeat those that disagree with you, and/or inspire those that share the same perspective.”^[10] For example, imagine that your best friend has come over to your dorm room, apartment, or house to vent about the grade they received on a test.

Communication Needs

There are many reasons we communicate with each other, but what are our basic communication needs? The primary reason we communicate is to fulfill physical needs. Research has shown that communicating with others is beneficial for our health. There has been a direct link to mental and physical health. For instance, it has been shown that people who have cancer, depression, and even the common cold, can alleviate their symptoms simply by communicating with others. People who communicate their problems, feelings, and thoughts to others are less likely to hold onto grudges, anger, and hostility, which causes less stress on their minds and bodies.

Another reason we communicate with others is that it shapes who we are or identity needs. Perhaps you never realized that you were funny until your friends told you that you were quite humorous. Sometimes, we become who we are based on what others say about us. For instance, maybe your mother told you that you are a gifted writer. You believe that information because you were told that by someone you respected. Thus, communication can influence the way we perceive ourselves.

The third reason we communicate is for social needs. We communicate with others to initiate, maintain, and terminate relationships. These relationships may be personal or professional. In either case, we have motives or objectives for communicating with other people. The concept of communication motives was created by Rebecca Rubin. She found that there are six main reasons why individuals communicate with each other: control, relaxation, escape, inclusion, affection, and pleasure.

Control motives are means to gain compliance. Relaxation motives are ways to rest or relax. Escape motives are reasons for diverting or avoiding other activities. Inclusion motives are ways to express emotions and feel a connection to the other person. Affection motives are ways to express one’s love and caring for another person. Pleasure motives are ways of communicating for enjoyment and excitement.

To maintain our daily routine, we need to communicate with others. The last reason we communicate is for practical needs. To exchange information or solve problems, we need to talk to others. Communication can prevent a disaster from occurring. To create and/or sustain a daily balance in our lives, we need to communicate with other people. Hence, there is no escaping the need for communication. We do it all the time.

 Sharing Personal Information

One of the primary functions of conversations is sharing information about ourselves. In Chapter 2, we discussed Berger and Calabrese’s Uncertainty Reduction Theory (URT).^[12] One of the basic axioms of URT is that, as verbal communication increases between people when they first meet, the level of uncertainty decreases. Specifically, the type of verbal communication generally discussed in initial interactions is called self-disclosure.^[13] Self-disclosure is the process of purposefully communicating information about oneself self. Sidney Jourard sums up self-disclosure as permitting one’s “true self” to be known to others.^[14]

As we introduce the concept of self-disclosure in this section, it’s essential to recognize that there’s no right or wrong way to self-disclose. Different people self-disclose for various reasons and purposes. Emmi Ignatius and Marja Kokkonen found that self-disclosure can vary for several reasons:^[15]

• Personality traits (shy people self-disclose less than extraverted people)
• Cultural background (Western cultures disclose more than Eastern cultures)
• Emotional state (happy people self-disclose more than sad or depressed people)
• Biological sex (females self-disclose more than males)
• Psychological gender (androgynous people were more emotionally aware, topically involved, and invested in their interactions; feminine individuals disclosed more in social situations, and masculine individuals generally did not demonstrate meaningful self-disclosure across contexts)
• Status differential (lower-status individuals are more likely to self-disclose personal information than higher-status individuals)
• Physical environment (soft, warm rooms encourage self-disclosure while hard, cold rooms discourage self-disclosure)
• Physical contact (touch can increase self-disclosure, unless the other person feels that their personal space is being invaded, which can decrease self-disclosure)
• Communication channel (people often feel more comfortable self-disclosing when they’re not face-to-face; e.g., on the telephone or through computer-mediated communication)
• Self-disclosure on social networking sites increases consumer intention to purchase goods. ^[16]

As you can see, several factors can influence how self-disclosure occurs during interpersonal interactions.

Motives for Self-Disclosure

So, what ultimately motivates someone to self-disclose? Emmi Ignatius and Marja Kokkonen found two basic reasons for self-disclosure: social integration and impression management.^[17]

Social Integration

The first reason people self-disclose information about themselves is to develop interpersonal relationships. Part of forming an interpersonal relationship is seeking to demonstrate that we have commonality with another person. For example, let’s say that it’s the beginning of a new semester, and you’re sitting next to someone you’ve never met before. You quickly strike up a conversation while you’re waiting for the professor to show up. During those first few moments of talking, you’re going to establish some commonality. Perhaps you’ll discover that you’re both communication majors or that you share the same favorite sports team or band. Self-disclosure helps us identify areas where we share similar interests, beliefs, values, attitudes, and so on. As humans, we have an innate desire to be social and to meet people. Research has shown that self-disclosure is positively related to liking.^[18] The more we self-disclose to others, the more they like us and vice versa.

However, we should note that the distinction between appropriate and inappropriate self-disclosures depends on the nature of your relationship. When we first meet someone, we do not expect that person to start self-disclosing their deepest, darkest secrets. When this happens, we experience an expectancy violation. Judee Burgoon conceptualized expectancy violation theory as an understanding of what happens when an individual within an interpersonal interaction violates the norms for that interaction.^{[19] [20]} Burgoon’s original expectancy violation theory (EVT) primarily analyzed what happened when individuals communicated nonverbally in a manner that was unexpected (e.g., standing too close while talking). Over the years, EVT has been expanded by many scholars to look at a range of different situations when communication expectations are violated.^[21] As a whole, EVT predicts that when individuals violate the norms of communication during an interaction, they will evaluate that interaction negatively. However, this depends on the initial relationship. If we’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time or if it’s someone we want to be in a relationship with, we’re more likely to overlook expectancy violations.

So, how does this relate to self-disclosure? Mostly, there are ways that we self-disclose that are considered “normal” during different interactions and contexts. What you disclose to your best friend will be different from what you disclose to a stranger at the bus station. What you disclose to your therapist will be different than what you disclose to your professor. When you meet a stranger, the types of self-disclosure tend to be reasonably common topics: your major, sports teams, bands, the weather, etc. If, however, you decide to self-disclose information that is overly personal, this would be perceived as a violation of the types of topics typically discussed during initial interactions. As such, the other person is probably going to try to get out of that conversation pretty quickly. When people disclose information that is inappropriate to the context, those interactions will generally be viewed more negatively.^[22]

From a psychological standpoint, finding these commonalities with others helps reinforce our self-concept. We find that others share the same interests, beliefs, values, attitudes, etc., which demonstrates that how we think, feel, and behave are similar to those around us. Admittedly, it’s not like we do all of this consciously.^[23]

Impression Management

The second reason we tend to self-disclose is to convey a specific impression of ourselves to others. Impression management is defined as “the attempt to generate as favorable an impression of ourselves as possible, particularly through both verbal and nonverbal techniques of self-presentation.”^[24] Basically, we want people to view us specifically, so we communicate with others to get others to see us that way. Research has found we commonly use six impression management techniques during interpersonal interactions: self-descriptions, accounts, apologies, entitlements and enhancements, flattery, and favors.^{[25] [26] [27]}

Self-Descriptions

The first type of impression management technique we can use is self-descriptions, which involve discussing specific characteristics of ourselves. For example, if you want others to view you professionally, you would talk about the work that you’ve accomplished. If you want others to see you as someone fun to be around, you will talk about the parties you’ve thrown. In both cases, the goal is to describe ourselves in a manner that we want others to see.

Accounts

The second type of impression management is accounts. Accounts “are explanations of a predicament-creating event designed to minimize the apparent severity of the predicament.”^[28] According to William Gardner and Mark Martinko, in accounts, “actors may deny events occurred, deny causing events, offer excuses, or justify incidents.”^[29] Essentially, accounts occur when an individual attempts to explain something that their interactant may already know.

For initial interactions, imagine that you’re on a first date and your date has heard that you’re a bit of a “player.” An account may be given to downplay your previous relationships or explain away the rumors about your previous dating history.

Apologies

The third type of impression management tactic is apologies. According to Barry Schlenker, apologies are “are designed to convince the audience that the undesirable event should not be considered a fair representation of what the actor is ‘really like.’”^[30] An apology occurs when someone admits that they have done something wrong while attempting to downplay the severity of the incident or the outcomes.

Imagine you just found out that a friend of yours told a personal story about you during class as an example. Your friend could offer an apology, admitting that they shouldn’t have told the story, but also emphasize that it’s not like anyone in the class knows who you are. The friend admits they are wrong, but also downplays the potential consequences of the inappropriate disclosure of your story.

Entitlements and Enhancements

The fourth type of impression management tactic is the use of entitlements and enhancements. Entitlements and enhancements are “designed to explain a desirable event in a way that maximizes the desirable implications for the actor.”^[31] Primarily, “entitlements are designed to maximize an actor’s apparent responsibility for an event; enhancements are designed to maximize the favorability of an event itself.”^[32] In this case, the goal is to make oneself look even better than maybe they actually are.

For our examples, let’s look at entitlements and enhancements separately. For an example of an entitlement, imagine that you’re talking to a new peer in class and they tell you about how they single-handedly organized a wildly popular concert that happened over the weekend. Here, the individual is trying to maximize their responsibility to ensure they look good.

For example, consider an enhancement where, in the same scenario, the individual talks less about how they managed the event single-handedly and more about how amazing the event itself was. Here, they’re aligning themselves with the event, so the more amazing the event looks, the better you’ll perceive them as an individual.

Flattery

The fifth impression management tactic is the use of flattery, or the use of compliments to increase the other person’s liking for you. Here, if you flatter someone, they will perceive you in a more favorable light. Imagine there’s a new player on your basketball team. Almost immediately, they compliment you on your form and how they wish they could be as good as you are. In this case, the person may be completely honest, but the use of flattery will probably get you to see that person more positively as well.

Favors

The last tactic that researchers have described for impression management is favors. Favors “involve doing something nice for someone to gain that person’s approval.”^[33] One way that we get others to like us is to do things for them. If we want our peers in class to like us, then maybe we’ll share our notes with them when they’re absent. We could also volunteer to let someone use our washer and dryer if they don’t have one. There are many ways we can show kindness to others. Although most of us don’t think of favors as tactics for managing how people perceive us, they have a result that does.

Social Penetration Theory

In 1973, Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor were interested in understanding how individuals become closer to one another.^[34] They believed that the method of self-disclosure was similar to social penetration and hence created the social penetration theory. This theory helps to explain how individuals gradually become more intimate, based on their communication behavior. According to the social penetration theory, relationships begin when individuals share non-intimate layers of personal information and progress to more intimate layers.^[35]

Altman and Taylor believed individuals discover more about others through self-disclosure. How people comprehend others on a deeper level also helps us gain a better understanding of ourselves. The researchers believe that penetration happens gradually. The scholars describe their theory visually, like an onion with many rings or levels.^[36] A person’s personality is like an onion because it has many layers (Figure 7.2). We have an outer layer everyone can see (e.g., hair color or height), and we have very personal layers that people cannot see (e.g., our dreams and career aspirations). Three factors affect what people choose to disclose. The first is personal characteristics (e.g., introverted or extraverted). The second is the possibility of any reward or cost with disclosing to the other person (e.g., information might have repercussions if the receiver does not like or agree with you). And the third is the situational context (e.g., telling your romantic partner you want to end the relationship on your wedding day).

When people first meet each other, they start from their outer rings and drift toward the core. Researchers described how people typically go through various stages to become closer. In the orientation stage, people typically discuss very superficial matters, such as the weather. Next comes the exploratory affective stage, where people will disclose more about their feelings on normal topics, such as favorite foods or movies. Many of our friendships remain at this stage. At the affective stage, people engage in more private issues that are more personal in nature. During the stable stage, people will share their most intimate details. A final stage is not obligatory and does not happen in every relationship—the depenetration stage, where people decrease their disclosures.

Social penetration theory encompasses two distinct aspects. The first aspect is breadth, which refers to the range of topics individuals are willing to discuss with others. For instance, some people do not like to talk about religion and politics because it is inappropriate. The second aspect is depth, which refers to how deeply a person will go in discussing certain topics. For example, some people don’t mind sharing information about themselves regarding their favorite things. Still, they may not share their most private thoughts about themselves because it is too personal. The researchers believe that by self-disclosing to others both in breadth and depth, then it could lead to more relational closeness.

Johari Window

The name “Johari” is a combination of the two researchers who originated the concept: Joseph Luft (Jo) and Harrington Ingham (hari).^[37] The basic idea behind the Johari Window is that we build trust in our interpersonal relationships as we self-disclose, revealing information about ourselves, and we learn more about ourselves as we receive feedback from the people with whom we are interacting. As shown in Figure 7.3, the Johari Window is represented by four window panes. Two window panes refer to ourselves, and two refer to others. First, when discussing ourselves, we have to be aware that somethings about ourselves are known to us, and others are not. For example, we may be completely aware of the fact that we are extraverted and love talking to people (known to self). However, we may not be aware of how others tend to view our extraversion as positive or negative (unknown to self). The second part of the window is what is known to others and unknown to others. For example, some common information known to others includes your height, weight, hair color, etc. At the same time, there is a bunch of information that people don’t know about us: deepest desires, joys, goals in life, etc. Ultimately, the Johari Window breaks this into four different quadrants (Figure 7.3).

Open Self

The first quadrant of the Johari Window is the open self, or when information is known to both ourselves and others. Although some facets are automatically known, others become known as we disclose more and more information about ourselves with others. As we get to know people and self-disclose and increasingly deeper levels, the open self quadrant grows. For the purposes of thinking about discussions and self-disclosures, the open self is where the bulk of this work ultimately occurs.

Information in the open self can include your attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, emotions/feelings, experiences, and values that are known to both the person and to others. For example, if you wear a religious symbol around your neck (Christian Cross, Jewish Start of David, Islamic Crescent Moon and Star, etc.), people will be able to ascertain certain facts about your religious beliefs immediately. If you have stickers on your laptop or phone, people will make associations about you based on these artifacts. They might assume that you like or support  a certain character or business depending on your sticker.

Hidden Self

The second quadrant is what is known to ourselves but is not known to others. We all have personal information that we may not feel compelled to share with others. For example, if you are dreaming about going to Italy. It might not be something that someone can tell when looking at you. Your closest friends might not even know your desires to travel to Italy. Hence, this is a secret that you have kept to yourself and have not told others possibly out of fear (e.g., financial worries, international security, language concerns).

Think about your own life, what types of things do you keep hidden from others? One of the reasons we keep things hidden is because it’s hard to open ourselves up to being vulnerable. Typically, the hidden self will decrease as a relationship grows. However, if someone ever violates our trust and discusses our hidden self with others, we are less likely to keep disclosing this information in the future. If the trust violation is extreme enough, we may discontinue that relationship altogether.

Blind Self

The third quadrant is called the blind self because it’s what we don’t know about ourselves that is known by others. For example, during an initial interaction, we may not be aware of how the other person is reacting to us. We may think that we’re coming across as friendly, but the other person may perceive us as shy or even pushy. One way to decrease the blind self is by soliciting feedback from others. As others reveal more of our blind selves, we can become more self-aware of how others perceive us.

One problem with the blind self is that how people view us and how we view ourselves can often be radically different. For example, people may perceive you as cocky, but in reality, you’re scared to death.  Another example, could be the reverse of the previous example. Let’s say you have tons of experience sky-diving, but your friends have never been. Hence, you might appear scared, but in reality you are confident because you have done this before and you don’t want to make your friends feel uncomforable for being nervous. It’s important to decrease the blind self during our interactions with others, because how people view us will determine how they interact with us.

Unknown Self

Lastly, we have the unknown self, which refers to information that is not known by ourselves or others. The unknown self can include aptitudes/talents, attitudes/feelings, behaviors, capabilities, etc. that are unknown to us or others. For example, you may have a natural talent for playing the piano. Still, if you’ve never sat down in front of a piano, neither you nor others would have any way of knowing that you have the aptitude/talent for playing the piano. Sometimes parts of the unknown self are just under the surface and will arise with time and in the right contexts, but other times no one will ever know these unknown parts.

One other area that can affect the unknown self involves prior experiences. It’s possible that you experienced a traumatic event that closes you down in a specific area. For example, imagine that you are an amazing writer, but someone, when you were in the fourth grade, made fun of a story you wrote, so you never tried writing again. Here, the aptitude/talent for writing has been suppressed because of that one traumatic experience as a child. Sadly, many of us likely possess a range of aptitudes/talents, attitudes/feelings, behaviors, and capabilities that were hindered or suppressed because of traumas experienced throughout our lives.

Listening

When it comes to daily communication, we spend about 45% of our time listening, 30% speaking, 16% reading, and 9% writing.^[38] However, most people are not entirely sure what the word “listening” is or how to do it effectively.

Hearing Is Not Listening

Hearing refers to a passive activity where an individual perceives sound by detecting vibrations through an ear. Hearing is a physiological process that occurs continuously. We are constantly bombarded by sounds. Unless you are in a soundproof room or are 100% deaf, you are constantly hearing sounds. Even in a soundproof room, other sounds that are normally not heard, such as a beating heart or breathing, become more apparent because of the blocked background noise. In Minneapolis, Minnesota, Orfield Laboratories houses what is considered the world’s most silent space—an anechoic chamber. The room absorbs sound waves, preventing them from bouncing around. This specially designed room creates such profound silence that visitors hear sounds from their body they normally cannot detect:  the rhythm of their pulse, the circulation of blood, the blinking of their eyes, etc.^[39] One YouTuber, Callum McGinley, holds the World Record for time spent in an anechoic chamber at London’s South Bank University. He lasted a mindboggling 86 minutes. And the chamber in London is actually “louder” than the one in the United States. Time in an anechoic chamber is a level of hearing that most of us will never experience.

Listening is seen as an active process. Listening is “focused, concentrated attention for the purpose of understanding the meanings expressed by a [source].”^[40] From this perspective, hearing is more of an automatic response when your ear perceives information; whereas, listening is what happens when we purposefully attend to different messages.

We can even take this a step further and differentiate normal listening from critical listening. Critical listening is the “careful, systematic thinking and reasoning to see whether a message makes sense considering evidence.”^[41] From this perspective, it’s one thing to attend to someone’s message, but something very different to analyze what the person is saying based on known facts and evidence.

Let’s apply these ideas to a typical interpersonal situation. Let’s say that you and your best friend are having dinner at a crowded restaurant. Your ear is constantly attending to a multitude of messages in that environment. Still, most of those messages get filtered out as “background noise,” or information we don’t consciously listen to or cannot hear outside of specialized conditions, such as an anechoic chamber. Maybe then your favorite song comes on the speaker system the restaurant is playing, and you and your best friend both attend to the song because you both like it. A minute earlier, another song could have been playing, but you tuned it out (hearing) instead of taking a moment to enjoy and attend to the song itself (listen). Next, let’s say you and your friend get into a discussion about the issues of campus parking. Your friend states, “There’s never any parking on campus. What gives?” Now, if you’re listening critically to what your friend says, you’ll question the basis of this argument. For example, the word “never” in this statement is problematic because it implies that the campus has no parking, which is probably not the case. Now, it may be difficult for your friend to find a parking spot on campus, but that doesn’t mean that there’s “never any parking.” Here, you’ve gone from just listening to critically evaluating the argument your friend is making.

Model of Listening

Judi Brownell created one of the most commonly used models for listening.^[42] Although not the only model of listening that exists, we like this model because it breaks hearing down into clearly differentiated stages: hearing, understanding, remembering, interpreting, evaluating, and responding (Figure 7.4).

Hearing

From a fundamental perspective, for listening to occur, an individual must attend to some communicated message. Now, perhaps hearing should not be equated with listening (as we did above), but it is the first step in the listening model. If we don’t attend to the message at all, then communication never occured from the receiver’s perspective.

Imagine you’re standing in a crowded bar with your friends on a Friday night. You see your friend Darry and yell her name. In that instant, you, as the source of a message, have attempted to send a message. If Darry is too far away, or if the bar is too loud and she doesn’t hear you call her name, then Darry has not engaged in stage one of the listening model. You may have tried to initiate communication, but the receiver, Darry, was unaware that you had initiated it.

To engage in mindful listening, it’s essential to take hearing seriously because of the importance of intention. If we enter an interaction with another person without truly intending to listen to what they have to say, we may end up being a passive listener who does nothing more than hear and nod our heads. Remember, mindful communication begins with the premise that we must consider our intentions and be aware of them.

Understanding

The second stage of the listening model is understanding, which involves comprehending or decoding the source’s message. When we discussed the basic models of human communication in Chapter 2, we discussed the idea of decoding a message. Decoding is the process of breaking down a message into its comprehensible meanings. For example, imagine someone coming up to you asking if you know, “Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic resonant cups.” Even if you recognize all of the words, you may not completely comprehend what the person is even trying to say. Here, you cannot decode the message. Just as an FYI, that means “jingle bells.”

Remembering

Once we’ve decoded a message, we must remember the message itself, or recall the message that was sent. We are bombarded by messages throughout our day, so it’s completely possible to attend to a message, decode it, then forget about it within two seconds.

For example, I always warn my students that my brain is like a sieve. If you tell me something when I’m leaving the class, I could easily have forgotten what you told me three seconds later because my brain switches gear to what I’m doing next: I run into another student in the hallway; another thought pops into my head; etc. As such, I always recommend emailing me important things, so I don’t forget them. In this case, it’s not that I don’t understand the message; I just get distracted, and my remembering process fails me. This problem plagues all of us.

Interpreting

The next stage in the HURIER Model of Listening is interpreting. “Interpreting messages involves attention to all of the various speaker and contextual variables that provide a background for accurately perceived messages.”^[43] So, what do we mean by contextual variables? A significant part of the interpreting process involves being aware of the nonverbal cues (both oral and physical) that accompany a message, allowing for the accurate assignment of meaning.

Imagine you’re having a conversation with one of your peers, and he says, “I love math.” The text itself demonstrates overwhelming joy and involves calculating mathematical problems. However, if the message is accompanied by an eye roll or is said in a manner that makes it sound sarcastic, then the meaning of the oral phrase changes. Part of interpreting a message, then, is being sensitive to nonverbal cues.

Evaluating

The next stage is the evaluating stage, or judging the message itself. One of the biggest hurdles many people have with listening is the evaluative stage. Our personal biases, values, and beliefs can hinder our ability to listen to someone else’s message effectively.

Let’s imagine that you despise a specific politician. It’s gotten to where if you hear this politician’s voice, you immediately change the television channel. Even hearing other people talk about this politician causes you to tune out completely. Here, your own bias against this politician prevents you from effectively listening to their message or even others’ messages involving this politician. Overcoming our own biases against the source or content of a message in order to truly listen is not easy. One reason listening is a challenging process is that it involves our inherent desire to evaluate people and ideas.

When evaluating another person’s message, it’s essential to be mindful. As we discussed in Chapter 1, to be a mindful communicator, you must listen with an open ear that is non-judging. Too often, we evaluate others’ messages with an analytical or cold quality that is antithetical to being mindful.

Responding

In Figure 7.4, hearing is represented by an ear, the brain represents the next four stages, and a person’s mouth represents the final stage. It’s essential to recognize that effective listening begins with the ear and centers in the brain, and only then should someone provide feedback on the message itself. Often, people jump from hearing and understanding to responding, which can cause problems as they jump to conclusions that have arisen by truncated interpretation and evaluation.

Ultimately, how we respond to a source’s message will determine how the rest of the interaction progresses. If we outright dismiss what someone is saying, we put up a roadblock that says, “I don’t want to hear anything else.” On the other hand, if we nod our heads and say, “tell me more,” then we are encouraging the speaker to continue the interaction. For effective communication to occur, it’s essential to consider how our responses will impact the other person and our relationship with them.

Overall, when it comes to being a mindful listener, it’s essential to remember the acronym COAL: curiosity, openness, acceptance, and love.^[44] We need to go into our interactions with others and try to see things from their points of view. When we engage in COAL, we can listen mindfully and be in the moment.

Taxonomy of Listening

Now that we’ve introduced the basic concepts of listening, let’s examine a simple taxonomy of listening that was created by Andrew Wolvin and Carolyn Coakley.^[45] The basic premise of the Wolvin and Coakley taxonomy of listening is that there are fundamental parts to listening and then higher-order aspects of listening (Figure 7.5). Let’s look at each of these parts separately.

Discriminative

The base level of listening is what Wolvin and Coakley called discriminative listening, or distinguishing between auditory and visual stimuli and determining which to actually pay attention to. Discriminative listening focuses on how the perception of a wide range of different stimuli can be filtered and utilized.

We’re constantly bombarded with a variety of messages in our day-to-day lives. We have to discriminate between which messages we want to pay attention to and which ones we won’t. As a metaphor, think of discrimination as your email inbox. Every day, you filter out messages (aka spam) to find the messages you want to actually read. In the same way, our brains are constantly bombarded with messages, and we have to filter some in and most of them out.

Comprehensive

If we achieve discriminative listening, then we can progress to comprehensive listening. “Comprehensive listening requires the listener to use the discriminative skills while functioning to understand and recall the speaker’s information.”^[46] If we go back and look at Figure 7.4, we can see that comprehensive listening essentially aligns with understanding and remembering.

Wolvin and Coakley argued that discriminative and comprehensive listening are foundational levels of listening. If these foundational levels of listening are met, then they can progress to the other three, higher-order levels of listening: therapeutic, critical, and appreciative.

Therapeutic

Therapeutic listening occurs when an individual is a sounding board for another person during an interaction. For example, your best friend just fought with their significant other and they’ve come to you to talk through the situation.

Critical

The next aspect of listening is critical listening, which involves analyzing the message being sent. Instead of being a passive receiver of information, the essential goal of listening is to determine the acceptability or validity of the message(s) being sent.

Appreciative

Last, we have appreciative listening, which is when someone simply enjoys the act of listening or the message being sent. For example, let’s say you’re watching a Broadway musical, play, or even a new movie at the cinema. While you may be engaged critically, you may also be simply appreciative and enjoy the act of listening to the message.

Listening Styles

Now that we have a better understanding of how listening works, let’s talk about the four different styles of listening researchers have identified. Kittie Watson, Larry Barker, and James Weaver defined listening styles as “attitudes, beliefs, and predispositions about the how, where, when, who, and what of the information reception and encoding process.”^[47] Watson et al. identified four distinct listening styles: people, content, action, and time. Before proceeding to learn about the different listening styles, take a moment to complete the Listening Style Questionnaire. The Listening Style Questionnaire is based on the original work of Watson et al.^[48]

The Four Listening Styles

People

The first listening style is the people-oriented listening style. People-oriented listeners are more focused on the person sending the message than the content of the message. As such, people-oriented listeners focus on the emotional states of senders of information. One way to think about people-oriented listeners is to view them as highly compassionate, empathetic, and sensitive, which enables them to put themselves in the shoes of the person sending the message.

People-oriented listeners often excel in helping professions where listening to the person and understanding their feelings is crucial (e.g., therapists, counselors, social workers). They are also highly focused on maintaining relationships, making them adept at casual conversation where they can genuinely engage with the person.

Action

The second listening style is the action-oriented listener. Action-oriented listeners are focused on what the source wants to convey. The action-oriented listener wants a source to get to the point quickly. Instead of long, drawn-out lectures, the action-oriented speaker would prefer concise bullet points that get to the point of what the source desires. Action-oriented listeners “tend to preference speakers that construct organized, direct, and logical presentations.”^[49]

When dealing with an action-oriented listener, it’s essential to recognize that they want you to be logical and concise. One thing action-oriented listeners commonly do is search for errors and inconsistencies in someone’s message, so it’s important to be organized and have your facts straight.

Content

The third type of listener is the content-oriented listener, who focuses on the content of the message and processes it systematically. Of the four different listening styles, content-oriented listeners are more adept at listening to complex information. Content-oriented listeners “believe it is important to listen fully to a speaker’s message prior to forming an opinion about it (while action listeners become frustrated if the speaker is ‘wasting time’).”^[50]

When it comes to analyzing messages, content-oriented listeners are primarily interested in examining the message itself. They want as much information as possible in order to make the best evaluation of the message. As such, “they want to look at the time, the place, the people, the who, the what, the where, the when, the how … all of that. They don’t want to leave anything out.”^[51]

Time

The final listening style is the time-oriented listening style. Time-oriented listeners are sometimes referred to as “clock watchers” because they’re always in a hurry and want a source of a message to speed things up a bit. Time-oriented listeners “tend to verbalize the limited amount of time they are willing or able to devote to listening and are likely to interrupt others and openly signal disinterest.”^[52]

They often feel overwhelmed by the numerous tasks that need to be completed (whether real or not), so they usually try to accomplish multiple tasks while listening to a source. Of course, multitasking often leads to someone’s attention being divided, and information being missed.

Thinking About the Four Listening Types

Kina Mallard broke down the four listening styles and examined some of the common positive characteristics, negative characteristics, and strategies for communicating with the different listening styles (Tables 7.1 to 7.4).^[54]

Hopefully, this section has helped you gain a deeper understanding of the complexity of listening. We should mention that many people are not just one listening style or another. It’s possible to be a combination of different listening styles. However, some of the listening style combinations are more common. For example, someone who is action-oriented and time-oriented will want the bare-bones information so they can make a decision. On the other hand, it’s hard to be a people-oriented listener and a time-oriented listener because being empathic and attending to someone’s feelings takes time and effort.

Adding to the complexity of listening, a recent study exploring how couples actually listened during trouble-talks, researchers found that couples rarely engaged in the type of active listening behaviors that educators and psychologists recommend such as being neutral, open and nonjudgmental. Instead, couples are managing a complex situation in which they manage accountability, blame, and attribution. It was generally thought that active listening maintained good relationships, but there was no evidence in the study that attempts at managing accountability, blame, and attribution would damage the relationship.^[55]

Listening Responses

Who do you think is a skilled listener? Why did you name that person? How can you tell that person is a good listener? You probably recognize a good listener based on the nonverbal and verbal cues that they display. In this section, we will discuss different listening responses. We don’t all listen in the same way. Additionally, each situation is unique and requires a distinct approach that is tailored to that specific circumstance.

Types of Listening Responses

Ronald Adler, Lawrence Rosenfeld, and Russell Proctor are three interpersonal scholars who have made significant contributions to the study of listening.^[57] Based on their research, they have found different types of listening responses: silent listening, questioning, paraphrasing, empathizing, supporting, analyzing, evaluating, and advising (Figure 7.6).^[58]

Silent Listening

Silent listening occurs when you say nothing. It is ideal in certain situations and awful in other situations. However, when used correctly, it can be a powerful tool. If misused, you could give the wrong impression to someone. It is appropriate to use when you don’t want to encourage more talking. It also shows that you are open to the speaker’s ideas.

Sometimes people get angry when someone doesn’t respond. They might think that this person is not listening or trying to avoid the situation. But it might be because the person is just trying to gather their thoughts, or perhaps it would be inappropriate to respond. There are certain situations, such as in counseling, where silent listening can be beneficial because it helps the person figure out their feelings and emotions.

Questioning

In situations where you want to gather information, it can be beneficial to use questioning techniques. You can accomplish this in several ways. There are several ways to question in a sincere, nondirective way (see Table 7.5):

You might have different types of questions. Sincere questions are those created to find a genuine answer. Counterfeit questions are disguised attempts to send a message, not to receive one. Sometimes, counterfeit questions can cause the listener to be defensive. For instance, if someone asks you, “Tell me how often you used crystal meth.” The speaker implies that you have used meth, even though that has not been established. A speaker can use questions that make statements by emphasizing specific words or phrases, stating an opinion or feeling on the subject. They can ask questions that carry hidden agendas, like “Do you have $5?” because the person would like to borrow that money. Some questions seek “correct” answers. For instance, when a friend says, “Do I look fat?” You probably have a correct or ideal answer. Some questions are based on unchecked assumptions. An example would be, “Why aren’t you listening?” This example implies that the person wasn’t listening, when in fact they are listening.

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing is defined as restating in your own words, the message you think the speaker just sent. There are three types of paraphrasing. First, you can change the speaker’s wording to indicate what you think they meant. Second, you can offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about. Third, you can reflect on the underlying theme of a speaker’s remarks. Paraphrasing represents mindful listening in the way that you are trying to analyze and understand the speaker’s information. Paraphrasing can be used to summarize facts and to gain consensus in essential discussions. This could be used in a business meeting to ensure that all details are discussed and agreed upon. Paraphrasing can also be used to understand personal information more accurately. Think about being in a counselor’s office. Counselors often paraphrase information to better understand exactly how you are feeling and to analyze the information more effectively.

Empathizing

Empathizing is used to show that you identify with a speaker’s information. You are not empathizing when you deny others the rights to their feelings. Examples of this are statements such as, “It’s really not a big deal” or “Who cares?” This suggests that the listener is attempting to evoke a different emotional response from the speaker. In minimizing the significance of the situation, you are interpreting the situation in your perspective and passing judgment.

Supporting

Sometimes, in a discussion, people want to know how you feel about them instead of a reflection on the content. Several types of supportive responses are: agreement, offers to help, praise, reassurance, and diversion. The value of receiving support when faced with personal problems is very important. This has been demonstrated to improve psychological, physical, and relational well-being. To effectively support others, you must meet certain criteria. Make sure that your expression of support is sincere, be sure that the other person can accept your support, and focus on “here and now” rather than “then and there.”

Analyzing

Analyzing is helpful in gaining different alternatives and perspectives by offering an interpretation of the speaker’s message. However, this can be problematic at times. Sometimes the speaker might not understand your perspective or may become more confused by accepting it. To avoid this, steps must be taken in advance. These include tentatively offering your interpretation rather than presenting it as an absolute fact. By being more sensitive to it, the speaker might feel more comfortable accepting it. You can also ensure that your analysis has a reasonable chance of being accurate. If it were inaccurate, it would leave the person more confused than before. Additionally, ensure that the person will be receptive to your analysis and that your motive for offering is genuinely to help the other person. An analysis offered under any other circumstances is useless.

Evaluating

Evaluating appraises the speaker’s thoughts or behavior. The evaluation can be favorable (“That makes sense”) or negative (passing judgment). Negative evaluations can be critical or non-critical (constructive criticism). Two conditions offer the best chance for evaluations to be received: if the person with the problem requested an evaluation, and if it is genuinely constructive and not designed as a putdown.

Advising

Advising differs from evaluations. It is not always the best solution and can sometimes be harmful. In order to avoid this, you must make sure four conditions are present: be sure the person is receptive to your suggestions, make sure they are truly ready to accept it, be confident in the correctness of your advice, and be sure the receiver won’t blame you if it doesn’t work out.

Perception Checking

Perceptions change in a relationship. Initially, people can view others positively (for example, confident, thrifty, funny), then later in the relationship that person changes (arrogant, cheap, childish). The person hasn’t changed. Only our perceptions of them have changed. That is why we focus on perception in a communication book because often, our perception affects how we communicate. It also has an impact on what we listen to and how we listen. For instance, when people get married, one person might say, “I love you! I would die for you,” then a couple of years later, that same person might say, “I hate you! I am going to kill you!” Their perceptions about the other person will change.^[59]

Even when people break up, men typically will think about the physical aspects of the relationship (I gave her a watch, she wasn’t that hot) and women will think about the emotional aspects of the relationship (I gave him my heart, I really cared about him.). Perception is an interesting thing because sometimes we think other people have a similar perspective, but as we will see, that is not always the case.

Selection

What we pay attention to varies from one person to another. The first step in the perception process is selection. It determines what things we focus on compared to what things we ignore. What we select to focus on depends on:

1. Intensity – if it is bigger, brighter, louder in some way. Think about all the advertisements that you view. If the words are bigger or if the sound is louder, you are more likely to pay attention to it. Advertisers know that intensity is very important to get people to pay attention.
2. Repetition – It has been said that to get someone to do something, they have to be told three different ways and three different times. People pay attention to things that repeat because you can remember it easier. In school, we learn to do things over and over again, because it teaches us mastery of a skill.
3. Differences – We will pay attention to differences, especially if it is a disparity or dissimilarity to what commonly occurs. Think about changes or adjustments that you had to deal with in life. These transformations made you notice the comparisons. For instance, children who go through a divorce will talk about the differences that they encountered. Children will focus on how things are different and how it is not the same.
4. Motives/Goals – We tend to pay attention to things for which have a strong interest or desire. If you love cars, you will probably notice cars more closely than someone else who has no interest in cars. Another example might be if you are single, then you might notice who is married and who is not more than someone in a committed relationship.
5. Emotions – Our emotional state has a strong impact on how we view life in general. If we are sad, we will probably notice other sad faces. The same thing happens when we are happy; we will tend to notice other happy people. Our emotions can impact how we feel. If we are angry, we might say things we don’t mean and not perceive how we come across to other people.

Organization

The second phase in the perception process is organization, which refers to how we arrange information in our minds. So, once we have selected what information we pay attention to, our minds try to process it. Sometimes, when this occurs, we engage in stereotyping and attribute certain characteristics to a specific set of individuals. We classify or label others based on certain qualities.

Also, when people organize information in their mind, they can engage in punctuation, or establish the effects and causes in communication behavior. It is more useful to realize that a conflict situation can be perceived differently by each person, and it is important to focus on “What can we do to make this situation better?”

Interpretation

The third phase of the perception process is interpretation. In this phase, we try to understand the information or make sense of it. This depends on a few factors:

1. Degree of involvement – If we were in the middle of an accident, we would probably have more information about what happened compared to a bystander. The more involved we are with something, the more we can make sense of what is actually happening. For instance, in cults, members understand the rules and rituals, but an outsider would not, because they are not exposed to them.
2. Relational satisfaction – If we are happy in a relationship, we think that everything is wonderful. However, if you are dissatisfied in the relationship, you might second-guess the behaviors and actions of your partner.
3. Past experiences – If you had an enjoyable experience with a certain company, you might think that everything they do is wonderful. However, if your first experience was horrible, you may think that they are always horrible. In turn, you will interpret that company’s actions as justified because you have already encountered a horrible experience.
4. Assumptions about human behavior – If you believed that most people do not lie, then you would probably be very hurt if someone important to you lied to you. Our assumptions about others help us understand their behaviors and actions. If you had a significant other who cheats on you, you would probably be more suspicious in future interactions with significant others.
5. Expectations – Our behavior is also influenced by our expectations of others. If we expect a party to be fun and it isn’t, then we will be let down. However, if we have no expectations about a party, it may not affect how we feel about it.
6. Knowledge of others – If you know that someone close to you has a health problem, then it will not be a shock if they need medical attention. However, if you had no clue that this person was unhealthy, it would come as a complete surprise. How you interpret a situation is often based on what you know about a certain situation.^[60]

Negotiation

The last phase of the perception process is called negotiation. In this phase, people are trying to understand what is happening. People often use narratives or stories to explain and depict their lives. For instance, a disagreement between a teacher and a student might look very different depending on which perspective you take. The student might perceive themselves as hardworking and very studious. The student thinks they deserve a high grade. However, the teacher might feel that their job is to challenge all students to their highest levels and treat all students fairly. By listening to both sides, we can gain a better understanding of what is happening and what needs to be done in specific situations. Consider car accidents and how police officers must listen to both sides. Police officers have to determine what happened and who is at fault. Sometimes it is not an easy task.

Influences on Perception

All of us don’t perceive the same things. One person might find something beautiful, but another person might think it is horrible. When it comes to our perception, there are four primary influences we should understand: physiological, psychological, social, and cultural.

Physiological Influences

Some of the reasons we don’t interpret things in the same way are due to physiological differences. Hence, biology impacts what we perceive. In this section, we will discuss the various physiological influences.

1. Senses – Our senses can significantly impact what and where we focus our attention. For instance, if you have a strong sense of smell, you might be more sensitive to a foul-smelling odor compared to someone who cannot smell anything due to sinus problems. Our senses provide us with a unique perception of the world.
2. Age – Age can impact what we perceive. Have you ever noticed that children seem to have so much energy, while the elderly often appear to lack it? Children may perceive that there is so much to do in a day, and the elderly may perceive that there is nothing to do. Our age influences how we think about things.
3. Health – when we are healthy, we have the stamina and endurance to do many things. However, when we are sick, our bodies may be more inclined to rest. Thus, we will perceive a lot of information differently. For instance, when you are healthy, some of your favorite meals will taste really good, but when you are sick, it might not taste so good, because you cannot smell things due to a stuffy nose.
4. Hunger – When you are hungry, it is tough to concentrate on anything except food. Studies have shown that when people are hungry, all they focus on is something to eat.
5. Biological cycles – Some people are “morning larks” and some are “night owls.” In other words, there are peaks where people perform at their highest level. For some individuals, it is late at night, and for others, it is early in the morning. When people perform at their peak times, they are likely to be more perceptive of information. If you are a person who loves getting up early, you would probably dislike night classes because you are unable to absorb as much information as you could if the class were held in the morning.

Psychological Influences

Sometimes the influences on perception are not physiological but psychological. These influences include mood and self-concept. These influences are based in our mind, and we can’t detect them in others.

1. Mood – Whether we are happy or sad can significantly impact how we perceive the world. For instance, if we are happy, then anything that happens, we might view it more positively.
2. Self-concept – If we have a healthy self-concept, we may not be offended if someone makes a negative remark. Yet, if we have a poor self-concept, then we are probably going to be more influenced by negative remarks. The stronger our self-concept is, the more likely it will affect how we perceive other people’s communication behaviors toward us.

Social Influences

Social influences include sex and gender roles, as well as occupational roles. These roles can impact our perceptions. Because we hold these roles, we may be more likely to think differently than others in different roles.

1. Sex and gender roles – We have certain expectations in our culture regarding how men and women should behave in public. Women are expected to be more nurturing than men. Moreover, men and women are viewed differently in terms of their marital status and age.
2. Occupational roles – Our jobs influence how we perceive the world. If you were a lawyer, you might be more inclined to take action on civil cases than your average member of the public, because you know how to handle these kinds of situations. Moreover, if you are a nurse or medical specialist, you are more likely to perceive the health of other individuals. You would be able to tell if someone needed urgent medical care or not.

Cultural Influences

In a recent meeting, the boss said, “Remember the Golden Rule,” and a coworker from India asked the staff about the meaning of that phrase. He wondered if there was a silver rule or a bronze rule. The reason he didn’t understand this concept is due to cultural influences. We know that everyone doesn’t perceive things in the same fashion.

In some countries, older adults are highly respected individuals, whom the youth go to for advice and wisdom. Yet, in other countries, older adults are seen as lazy and worthless. Hence, culture affects how we perceive the world and others. Communication is different across cultures. Western cultures, like the United States, value talk and view it as very important to function and conduct business. Thus, they do not like silence because it can be perceived as shyness, frustration, and intimidating.^[61] Western culture dislikes silence because it is uncomfortable and problematic. Asian cultures have different perceptions of communication. Silence is seen as valuable for reflecting on one’s thinking. Asians may view someone as talkative in a very negative light. Based on this example, we can see that cultural perceptions can lead to problems, as silence is considered rude to an American but acceptable to an Asian. To communicate effectively, we need to understand the cultural perceptions of others.

Perception Checking

To judge others more accurately, we need to engage in perception checking.

Perception checking involves three steps:

1. Describe your perception of the event
2. Offer three different interpretations of that behavior
3. Seek clarification about the interpretations

That’s it! I know this sounds easy, but it’s definitely much harder than it looks.

Chapter Wrap-Up

We spend most of our lives engaged in talking and listening behavior. As such, understanding the functions of speaking and listening in interpersonal communication is crucial. In this chapter, we started by discussing the importance of everyday conversations. We next discussed a specific type of talk: disclosing information about ourselves (self-disclosure). We then switched gears and focused on the listening component. Overall, talking and listening are crucial to interpersonal communication, so understanding how they function can help enhance our communication skills.

Chapter Exercises

Real-World Case Study

Mictrotela is the new leader in telecommunications. However, many customers are having problems with their new cell phones. They have tried calling customer service to solve their problems. However, many customers become frustrated and ultimately terminate their cell phone contracts. Mictrotela conducts research and discovers that many of its customer service representatives lack effective listening skills. Many of the customers who call the company have complained that no one is listening to their problems.

1. If you were hired as a consultant for this business, how would you fix this problem?
2. How can you teach customer service representatives better listening skills?
3. What are some strategies to help customers feel like they are being listened to?

End-of-Chapter Assessment

1. Kara couldn’t wait to talk to her best friend Jose. She’s had a truly horrible, no good, very bad day. As soon as Jose enters her apartment, she just starts venting. What type of conversation is Kara having with Jose?
   1. discourse
   2. debate
   3. dialogue
   4. deviant
   5. diatribe
2. Cory doesn’t know if he is a good cook because he has never been in a kitchen. His friends don’t even know if Cory has a kitchen in his house. Which window pane of Johari’s window does this represent?
   1. open
   2. blind
   3. hidden
   4. unknown
   5. closed
3. All of the following are types of listening except:
   1. silent listening
   2. questioning
   3. empathizing
   4. imagining
   5. advising
4. In this chapter, we discuss all of the following types of listening except:
   1. comprehension
   2. evaluative
   3. empathetic
   4. appreciative
   5. interpretive
5. Meno’s girlfriend has been seen with other male friends. His friends try and tell him that she is cheating on him, but he refuses to believe what they say. Even when they have pictures and proof, he doesn’t listen to their words. He is displaying:
   1. interrupting
   2. daydreaming
   3. pseudo-listening
   4. emotional listening
   5. insulated listening